A Year On In

8/19/2009
So much bad and so much good a year ago today. There is the thoughts of driving home, getting the phone call- rushing to the hospital. The awkward prayers whispered to myself, bargaining to Him as if I had anything to bargain with. Promises of doing this or that if things would just turn out well, then of course the dead silence from the Lord, the dreaded pulling away and a sense of the soft “no . . . not now. You don’t understand”. The doctor’s sandals and the carpet in the waiting room as he explained it all, not much hope . . . maybe a few hours, maybe a few days. Endless phone calls and listening to the story again and again. An hour of sleep and suddenly wide awake, pondering if it was a dream . . . no, it’s all too real. Calls from the hospital, maybe not much time. Standing by the bed, but not too close- fearing if I were too close it would all come rushing in. Tears are fought and I mean fought hard. It wouldn’t do to blubber like a baby, later- in private I tell myself. Kitchen still to be cleaned from his cooking the same day. The hardest blow of all. Tears and more, then silences and peace, like waves. The good came later, the family and friends with concern in their eyes. An uncle who shows up and explains what is going on, calming me down inside. Like small blessings surrounding me, I sense a strange feeling of calm amongst the chaos. The gifts of Christmas morning surround me, in the worst of possible times. Strange how serene the room became, tears of course, but later peace. A shout of “He’s home!” just when I was beginning to lose hope. Much like life, first innocent happiness, then sadness and pain . . . and finally, joy. Memories and heartaches, burned in my mind- guaranteed to last a lifetime.