Turning Away

Each day I resolve to be a better person, to live a clean life, to follow His teachings- and each day, I inevitably end up letting myself down. I'm amazed He hasn't given up on me yet, when it seems every fiber of my being desires to go a different way from Him, to have its' way at any cost, gratifying nothing but the self. This is what He meant when He said we must crucify ourselves, we must cut away that which keeps us from Him, that which builds the rock wall of separation. The worst thing is to see yourself nodding in agreement to the Great Master, and then, just when His back is turned, like a child, doing just what you wanted all along. The Great Hypocrite. It can't last like this. There must be a point, maybe a painful one, when I put everything that is not of Him away- even the closest things, the things I'm sure I can't change about myself, the things I know I can't live without, the things that are my own private business. It all must be put out to pasture. There must be something else inside that turns away, even when every fiber of your being wishes to do the wrong thing. It is the voice, soft and still and yet loud as the thunder of an approaching storm; a voice that whispers, "Not my will, But Yours be done, Father".