New Roads

Sometimes it is amazing the places God will take us if we will allow Him to. In my late 20s, I was basically a different person. I look back and see someone wandering through life wasting time, spinning wheels, avoiding all entanglements, commitments, and even though I called myself a Christian, I was hardly living like one. The one aspect I can see now is that I really didn’t like myself very much. It came out in the way I treated others, the way I avoided family functions, went my own way, and the way I treated myself. Looking back now, it seems like snapshots of someone else, of a person I don’t even know and barely remember. After my father died, the rug was finally and completely yanked out from under me of where I was and had been going for about 12 years. There was a long look in the mirror and I did NOT like what I saw. I had basically been painting myself into a corner, into a life I really didn’t like, but had no idea how to change or get out of. The person I was dating at the time was a good friend, and someone I still consider to be to this day, but there were now so many differences that I could no longer ignore them. Things that I said didn’t bother me at all when I was 30, but started to more and more as I changed and grew into the man God was making me into. The changes that came after I finally went back to school to actually finish were amazing. God began to work in my life in a very big way. I began to pray for a wife and a family, of things I never dreamed that I would ever need or want. Because of my age, I really had no idea if any of this would come to pass, but I prayed daily for a way that it could happen. Eventually, I stopped asking and just placed it all in His hands. I knew in my heart, without a doubt, that I was NOT meant to be a confirmed bachelor the rest of my life. I had no desire to go that road, unless He absolutely wanted me to. I felt like I just had too much to give another person than to live that way. What I found later was that He never wanted that for me at all, He was only waiting on me to stop the crazy drive I’d been on and give it over completely to Him. Before I knew it, all the relationships in my life began to improve, I began to care about family again, I was coming out of my shell, my sense of humor was finally returning. Now I find that I no longer need to write like a “Christian Author”- lofty and untouchable sayings that are like coded messages. I can write like Jeff Russell and it's enough. It’s time for plain talk. I apologize for all the wasted years, of not being myself, of the time that was lost. What I know now is that it is never too late to begin again. He is in control, and is finally writing the story of my life that was meant to be written. The wandering is finished, I have returned to the road left so long ago. This is probably the most personal thing I’ve ever written, and it almost wasn't written at all. Baring one's soul can be a little scary. Of course, He would have it no other way. Thanks for reading. I love all of you- more now than I ever could have before, believe me. I'm on to the Great Adventure.

Hearts

It's an amazing thing- and an amazing gift, to finally find someone who makes the years of waiting and wondering worthwhile. The once comfortable and quiet life you thought you enjoyed is slowly coming to an end. He had better plans all along, I just never knew they were right under my own nose. It's exciting- and a bit scary- to watch the glass wall be shattered into a million pieces before my very eyes. Hearts put away on a shelf, collecting dust- now suddenly
made new again. How could He do it? The best things are always those we never would have guessed or asked for. I was content for a cottage, I asked for a home, but He would have none of that. There was a mansion waiting just in the wings. One never knows what that Great Author has planned. I only know that it is a million times better than anything I could have come up with on my own. And so it goes~

The Waiting Room

Why is it so terrifying to totally turn something you want over to God? Do we think that we can work it out better than Him? There is the sense of sadness, wondering if He will grant that most sacred of wishes and the inevitable questions: Has he forgotten? What should I be doing now? What if it all falls apart? For now, I am in the waiting room. There is absolutely no doubt in my heart or in my mind where I want to be or who I want to be with- but it is out of my hands. Is there a more frightening test of faith than this? That something that has become my whole world might be tossed aside at any minute? The voice comes back, though- sure and steady- the one I always recognize. "Wait. Peace and Be Still. All in My time." At this point, His waiting room is actually the safest of all places. Our fate is in the best of all possible hands.

Have No Fear

Never make any decision based on fear. I think you'll find if you look back, that all the choices made out of fear probably left you disappointed and full of regret. It guarantees you a wrong turn almost every time. Sometimes the risk is worth it, even if it means stepping out on blind faith. If we should fail, or be hurt, at least we know that we stayed true to ourselves. One never knows~

Love

Falling in love is an interesting time. What can one say about something that causes you to suddenly go without sleep, not want to eat, think incessantly about the beloved with eyes of a teenager? The only problem is the thought that it could be taken away at any minute. To go from a quiet, dull life where there is nothing to lose to one where you may risk your whole heart collapsing into a million pieces. Suddenly my fate is in His hands- and it is terrifying. Only time will tell. And I wouldn't trade this time for all the money in the world.

Closed Doors

The only thing worse than a closed door is a closed window. A door you might walk away from unscathed, never knowing the opportunity just missed behind it. But it is an interminable punishment to have a window closed and bolted from you- where all the things you missed are right before your very eyes- completely unreachable. This is, in truth, the worst of all rejections He can possibly give.

Timesteps

Never get so bogged down with that "wrong turn" you took so many years ago that it keeps you from seeing the right turn today. At the end of days, when time becomes a thing of the past and all the calendars are meaningless- He may allow you to go back and fix all the things that troubled your heart in the dead of night: all those things you'd never tell a soul or admit to. Time will be ours to do with what we please. Of course, by then our heart's greatest desire shall be to do is His will. We may have some faint memory of something we wanted to do or say or speak- but our hearts will already be satisfied.